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Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2012 6:24 pm
by andri
spamel said:


Stef, I heard a similar one to that, but the panda was visiting a, how do I put this? A lady of the night!


Sorry for my english.

I heard some version too.

It's from wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E.....%26_Leaves

10 + 3  oh, no, not again..

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 2:15 am
by riffraff
String walks in to a bar.

Bartender says "Get out NOW! We don't serve your kind here!"

String walks out the door, twists himself around, spreads out his ends a bit and walks right back in.

Bartender says "Hey! Aren't you that string I just tossed out?!"

String says "No... I'm a frayed knot."

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 9:33 am
by Wooloomooloo
I have to admit the Pi lives up to it's mathematical namesake - using nothing but this forum it is possible to experimentally verify Sturgeon's law (ie. "ninety percent of everything is crap"). Employing our math skills finely honed on the forum captchas, we can easily determine that - at the time of writing - the "The w00t! life is good thread" has 51 entries, while the "YOU SUCK: the venting thread" has 491. QED...

Oh, and just to stay on topic - how do different people prove that every integer is a prime?

Mathematician: 2 is a prime, 3 is a prime, the rest can be proven by induction...

Physicist: 2 is a prime, 3 is a prime, 4 hmmm - must be an experimental error, 5 is a prime - see I was right...

Engineer: 2 is a prime, 3 is a prime, 4 is a prime, 5 is a prime...

Programmer: 2 is a prime, 3 is a prime, 3 is a prime, 3 is a prime...

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 10:32 am
by piglet
Two seagulls standing on a perch. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?".

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 10:52 am
by spamel
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this?".

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 12:14 pm
by archsaddler
Ireland suffered its worst ever air disaster today when a light aircraft crashed into a graveyard , rescue workers have so far recovered 475 bodies .

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 2:23 pm
by bredman
The Tarot Card Readers Association cancelled their annual meeting due to unforseen circumstances.

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 2:30 pm
by johnbeetem
I heard Robin Williams tell this one in The Aristocrats:

A rabbi walks into a bar.  He has a duck on his head.  The bartender says "where did you get that?"  The duck replies: "In Brooklyn.  There's thousands of them!"

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 2:44 pm
by johnbeetem
My favorite math jokes:  one requires vector math as a prerequisite, the other requires calculus.

The vector math joke:

Q: What do you get when you cross an owl with an elephant?

A: Owl elephant sin(theta).

Q: OK, then what do you get when you cross an owl with a mountain climber?

A:  Can't do it, the mountain climber is a scaler.

The calculus joke:

There's a mathematician who always has lunch at a diner, and always has the same waitress with whom he's become quite friendly.  One day he says to her: "I want to play a trick on a friend tomorrow.  I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to reply 'x squared over two'.  Got it?  'x squared over two'."

The next day the mathematician brings his friend to the diner.  At one point in the conversation, the mathematician says "you know, these days everybody knows calculus.  Here, let me show you."  He signals the waitress over and asks her "What is the integral of x dx?"  She replies "x squared over two... plus a constant".

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 3:07 pm
by TheEponymousBob
A jumbo jet takes off from Warsaw.  Mid-way through the flight, both pilot and co-pilot are taken ill.  The crew ask the passengers if any have flight training.  One passenger says he has flown light aircraft, so is taken to the cockpit.  However, he finds himself lost among the myriad controls and dials.  He shakes his head and says:

"It's no good - I am but a simple Pole on a complex plane."

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 3:52 pm
by liz
Why should you never buy Ukrainian jeans?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

(Sorry.)

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 3:57 pm
by Wooloomooloo
TheEponymousBob said:


A jumbo jet takes off from Warsaw.  Mid-way through the flight, both pilot and co-pilot are taken ill.  The crew ask the passengers if any have flight training.  One passenger says he has flown light aircraft, so is taken to the cockpit.  However, he finds himself lost among the myriad controls and dials.  He shakes his head and says:

"It's no good - I am but a simple Pole on a complex plane."



What do you mean? Doesn't every plane have an inflatable auto-pilot for just such a case?!?

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 7:15 pm
by JustThisGuy
Sign in a bar:

We Don't

Serve Women

You Have

To Bring

Your Own


Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 8:35 pm
by johnbeetem
A Polish airline is losing money, so they hire an American efficiency expert.  He checks everything -- reservations, maintenance, fuel costs -- but can't figure out why they're losing money.  Finally he says: "There's one thing I haven't checked -- an actual plane filled with passengers.  Maybe I'll notice something I've missed."

So they hold a plane about to take off, and he goes on board.  Looking down the plane, he sees that all the passengers are on the left side.  He says: "Well of course you're losing money -- your plane is only half full!"  His client replies: "But everyone knows you can't have Poles in the right half plane..."

[I first heard this one in a "Signals and Systems" EE class from our Polish instructor, right after he covered the theory needed to get the joke.]

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 11:42 am
by Jim Brown
I always love the Paddy and Murphy jokes …

Paddy and Murphy are on holiday in Arizona when they walk into a bar and hear the barman angrily shouting, "A bunch of red Indians just came in here, broke the place up, and stole lots of my money. If anyone brings me the head of a red Indian I will pay them $10,000!"

With the reward in mind Paddy and Murphy exit sharply and begin their hunt for a red Indian. After a short while they see one sitting on his horse at the top of a ravine. Paddy throws a large stone, knocking the Indian off the horse, and tumbling to the bottom of the ravine

Both of them scramble to the bottom, Paddy pulls out his trusty axe and begins to chop away! Moments later Murphy shouts, "This is not good. I think you should stop!"

Paddy reminds him about the reward for the head of the Indian and continues to chop away. Again, Murphy interrupts with a worried voice, "No, really ... You should stop!"

Paddy, getting frustrated by Murphy turns around and looks up, only to see, at the top of the ravine, they are both surrounded by two hundred red Indians

Paddy gasps, "Oh Murphy, we are going to be millionaires!!"

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 2:39 pm
by ukscone
if we are doing irish jokes then other than my wife  my favourite one is

did you hear the irish olympic fencing team had to withdraw?

they ran out of creosote

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:02 pm
by Jock in a Frock
Paddy walks into a bar. Mick is at a table, and Mick's Jack Russell terrier is at his feet. The Jack Russel is vigorously licking it's unmentionables.

Paddy - "Begorrah, Mick, I wish I could do that!"

Mick - "Ah, Paddy, give him a biscuit, he might let ya!"

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 6:38 pm
by Jim Brown
Paddy and Murphy went are on holiday abroad, and ended up sharing an apartment together on the 10th floor of the hotel.

Since it rained all week Paddy was getting pretty bored. One evening, after standing and peering over the balcony he suddenly spotted a pool down below.

"Murphy, there's a swimming pool down there. I'm going to jump off the balcony and dive in!"

Moments later Paddy lept over the balcony, hurtled down, and .... KAPLUNK!!

The pool was nothing more than a big puddle of water

After he came around from concussion he could see Murphy was about to jump off too. Paddy shouted up, "Murphy, I should move over to the right a little. This is the shallow end!"

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 6:54 pm
by Jim Brown
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile. The barman yells, "you can't bring that in here!"

The man proclaims that the croc is in fact safe and can perform a special trick. He invites the drinkers to gather around. "Watch this", he says.

The man then pulls his trousers down, hits the crocodile on the head with a lump of wood, and the croc begins to chomp away at his dongle!

The drinkers were aghast. After 10 seconds the crocodile stopped and the man was perfectly fine. The barman applauded and gave him a free drink.

The man then made an offer, "If anyone else wants to try this I will pay them £200"

A little old lady sitting in the corner raised her voice, "I'll do it, but don't hit me over the head with that lump of wood!"

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 7:36 pm
by spamel
Jim Brown said:


A man walks into a bar with a crocodile. The barman yells, "you can't bring that in here!"

The man proclaims that the croc is in fact safe and can perform a special trick. He invites the drinkers to gather around. "Watch this", he says.

The man then pulls his trousers down, hits the crocodile on the head with a lump of wood, and the croc begins to chomp away at his dongle!

The drinkers were aghast. After 10 seconds the crocodile stopped and the man was perfectly fine. The barman applauded and gave him a free drink.

The man then made an offer, "If anyone else wants to try this I will pay them £200"

A little old lady sitting in the corner raised her voice, "I'll do it, but don't hit me over the head with that lump of wood!"


Nicked! lol

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 9:34 pm
by johnbeetem
Ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender says: "We don't serve food here."

Grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender says: "You know, we have a drink named after you."  The grasshopper says: "No kidding, you have a drink named Fred?"

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 10:21 pm
by JustThisGuy
A guy walks into the bar sets down and orders a drink. While waiting to be served he pulls a miniature piano and a small man about a foot tall out of his pocket. The little guy sets at the piano and plays.

When the barman returns he asks where the guy got such an odd thing. The guy says, "A genie gave me a wish but he was hard of hearing and all I got was this twelve inch pianist."

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:40 pm
by grumpyoldgit
Guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender looks up
and says "Where did you get that ape?" Guy says, "This isn't an ape,
it's a duck". Bartender says "I was TALKING to the duck".

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 1:57 am
by mengel
An astronomer friend of mine who has been unemployed for years finally got a job.

He was very happy till he found it was on the day shift.

Re: Disagreements on these Forums

Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 10:28 am
by spamel
I went to the doctor and asked if he had anything for persistent wind.

He gave me a kite.